Sunday, December 18, 2005

Pray for my mums

I just found out tomorrow @ 7:30 am my mums will have an invasive surgery on her lungs and because her body is extremely frail and infirmed, my sister, brother, and me are numb and motionless. People often inquire on how it is to be in our position and words can not express the magnitude of the pain, even though I surrendered, it's still quite pain.


I am currently reading "All About Love"---I don't have many words to express the brilliance of bell hooks but so far, so good. Check it out PW's review:

From Publishers Weekly

Taking on yet another popular topic in her role as cultural critic, hooks blends the personal and the psychological with the philosophical in her latest book--a thoughtful but frequently familiar examination of love American style. A distinguished professor of English at City College in New York City, she explains her sense of urgency about confronting a subject that countless writers have analyzed: "I feel our nation's turning away from love as intensely as I felt love's abandonment in my girlhood. Turning away, we risk moving in a wilderness of spirit so intense we may never find our way home again." With an engaging narrative style, hooks presents a series of possible ways to reverse what she sees as the emotional and cultural fallout caused by flawed visions of love largely defined by men who have been socialized to distrust its value and power. She proposes a transformative love based on affection, respect, recognition, commitment, trust and care, rather than the customary forms stemming from gender stereotypes, domination, control, ego and aggression. However, many of her insights about self-love, forgiveness, compassion and openness have been explored in greater depth by the legion of writers hooks quotes liberally throughout the book, such as John Bradshaw, Lucia Hodgson, Thich Nhat Hanh, Thomas Merton and M. Scott Peck, among others. Still, every page offers useful nuggets of wisdom to aid the reader in overcoming the fears of total intimacy and of loss. Although the chapter on angels comes across as filler, hooks's view of amour is ultimately a pleasing, upbeat alternative to the slew of books that proclaim the demise of love in our cynical time.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Sunday, November 27, 2005


See, now, this is the sole reason why i don't throw fabric away, no matter how ugly it looks. Geezzzz, would you look at the stitching on this knapsack/bag back/workout bag/whatever else kinda of bag. I revamped some dusty curtains, probably older than me, I found in my mums' attic into this thing. I'm sure that it's quite obvious by the multi-pattern that the curtains weren't even a lil' bit cute, but my mama loves her some colorful curtains. Anyway I cut the curtains into 8 large squares. Then cut 1/2 of the panel into little squares, sowed the squares together (with mums helps), attached the revamped panel to the base, added two big straps in the back from a busted canteen jug, cut out some holes in the top, added strings for a drawstring closure, also added an ametuer lining inside...and would you fooky lucky here. Look closer and you will a fake pocket on the side I added for...shoot...i dunno but it made it coo.

Aww how coo is that stitching? There are some raggedy areas in the back (ok, on the left side too) but overrall it came out well. Methinks it may be large enough to put all my junk in. INSERT BIG GRIN HERE!!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Building Alhambra

Photo Cred: Val "Val's Room"--Thanks sis....

(Edited Version)

it’s 7 a.m.
sun colors my blinds
haunting whispers of Nina
skip on vinyl
i have a heartache
and a sleepy hard-on
you should be here, there
as i lay
a yogini in child pose
folding into myself for comfort
a frown
drowns my face
existence simple yet stagnant
nights are too much to handle
behind my stares
in a constant place of anticipating
your distinct smell
arousing my olfactory
grant me this wish in time(less)
of having your
perfectly umkempt locs revisit my face
lips leaving traces
a seamless kiss that attacks the
small of my back
your torso responds to
the dance
of my appreciative little,
shaky hands
fingers leaping into the boundless
making that shit our home
not as womyn, but as celestial bodies
searching the curves underneath the curves
the prana sychronizes us
turns gangsta
unselfishly sharing
ripened fruits
ready to be eaten
two lotuses became one
entangled like a
harnessing up to longboard
as pros
on an inseparable wave of
from un/known places
an amalgamation
of tears, sweat, and cum, nature
dampens our soil
as we collapse in each other’s arms
still i lay here, a teary-eyed
yogini in child pose, wondering
a woman could
think this moment
--Indiana Jones

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I love anthologies. Reading the varied prospectives on a subject keeps me awake. Currently, I am reading "Naked: Black Women Bare All About Their Skin, Hair, Hips, Lips, and Other Parts." And it spawned my urgency to write a snippet of my personal ‘naked’ story:

Aaron nicknamed me Torpedo. It wasn’t because I could effortlessly outrun the all the boys in Thomasville Heights Proj. Nor because I was dark, gangly, and unusually tall for a gymnast. It was merely because I had large nipples at 10. I remember this naming ceremony like it was yesterday. I walked out the house with my freshly activated hair pulled back, baggy jeans, and dirty dunks, ready to shuck and jive with my boys. As I walked towards them, Aaron yelled out, "Torpedo. Look at her torpedoes." When I asked him what he was talking about, he pointed at my chest and made awful jokes about my nipples resembling torpedoes. Visually horrified, I wondered who put this rootwork on me and how I could quickly remedy this situation . Whenever I was spotted by one of the boys, they would collectively hum this gawd-awful Shaft-inspired tune, yell "Torpedo," and pitchy laughter would ensue. They were hugely responsible for the shame I felt about my body at this time. I hated those bastards.

Like most young girls, I discovered that in a patriarchal system, most of a woman’s worth is measured by how attractive she appears to the opposite sex. Because of constant compliments, catcalls, flowers, dinner invites directed at my mother from men, she was my template of beauty. She was always naked and I studied her like an artist studies people, especially her breasts. She would cook in the nude with the phone receiver in one hand, my nephew on her hip, and chaos in her space. I remember her nearly D-cup breasts appearing brown, symmetrical, soft, and full. With the slightest bit of movement, they danced to a djembe rhythm only a melanin women could inspire. My mother did not breastfeed me and I remember awkward moments of being jealous of my sister and brother because they had the opportunity to experience that union. In my late teens, I sucked the breasts of a woman that reminded me of my mother. I was searching for my mother's milk, as most people do unknowingly.

As I continue to expand, it’s been revealed that the actions of sex and love are not the same. The first love is being nourished in the nectar of the truth (breast-feeding) and last love being love of the self (the self, being all things). I'm trying refrain from being arrogant in saying that ALL women should breast-feed their children, but I frankly, I wish more women would simplify our existence enough to do so.I don't know how I got started on breast feeding and clearly this entry did not go as planned but this is the way my mind has been working for the last month or so. Anyhoo, my relationship with my body is healthier than it use to be. I don’t dress to attract attention; quite, the opposite, I suppose. Despite being underrepresented in the popular world, I know I’m sexy and have love affair my curves. Wearing stretch jeans, shorts skirts, tattered shirts, spandex or even ol’ school checkered baggy pants is merely for me. I don’t need fucking validation anymore. Do you know how many times I’ve fucked for some goddamn validation?? SERIOUSLY :o). This book was kinda kewl to read, but honestly, I heard those stories over and over again. I’ve created a new reality for myself. The space where I occupy completely reflects me as a goddess.healer.sage.journeywoman.artsyfartsy.African(american)Woman. As I patiently wait to sit at the feet of my sisters, with legs comfortably folded and tea steeping, sharing our untold stories, I hold the vision that that time will surely come.


INDIAna Jones and Temple of Everything on the freaking Planet....muahhh!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Ya, Today feels Good

"....Come one we belong
Where mystic is strong
Home in a butterfly song
And today, ya today feels good..." Cree Summer "Soul Sister"

I had an amazing day today. Nothing extraordinary happened and actually the day started off quite painful. I woke with this intense headache that's been ongoing for a couple of days. My sister suggested it was probably my wisdom teeth that my orthodontics recommended I get extracted months ago. I cried a Nile River this morning. We drove to an oral surgeon and got very lucky because he was able to see me and I only had to pay $70 bucks. The brother was very nice and took care of me. I'm chillin now; painfree minus any wisdom tho;O).

I went to our community pharmacy and the pharmacist asked me if I was my mother's daughter because of the odd last name. Then she asked how she was doing and I gave her an unconvincing "ok." She told me that she remembers my mom because she has "such a sweet nature" and then told me I'd inherited her nature. I was all smiles, awwwws, and thankful for the that compliment and her words just reinforced what I already knew about my little lady. I told my mom that she shines her light in the world, so much so, that it has to be a gift from GOD/DESS. She nodded her head in agreement.

I love seniors. Seriously I do. My mum is an active member of the SouthEast Senior Club and those ladies involved are just bundles of joy to be around. They come over everyday in their multicolored floral dresses and arcopedico shoes (just as cute as they wanna be) and bring my mom and me soups, ice tea, fruit, or anything else we need. They talked about Reverend such and so, asked me about my imaginary boyfriend, who is actually my best friend ;O), but since my mum approves of him, I let them have that one for free:D.

After ruminating for a few seconds, I can't quite put into words why today feels so good; it just does. I know that everyday won't be like today and I ok with that. Gawd what is it? The air, the weather (wore my flip flops), the people...I don't know. It just all felt beautiful and I must admit that I felt beautiful. It feels like I am headed to a fantastical place full speed ahead with my Wonderwoman undies on.VRoom-VRooommmm baby! When my mum initally became sick, I dreaded the experience and became depressed. Really, our experiences are the purposely given to assist us in actualizing our divine self. Plus, we have the tools needed to aid us in mastering the experience because the tools are innately within. Talk about beautilicious--uhoh uhoh uhuhoh.., it's all that and then some, and some mo. Making love to the experience sounds corny but it's real. Because what's the alternative? Getting upset, making yourself depressed, becoming ill, and weakening your immune system, thus making your self susceptible to all kinds of dis-ease and creating all kinds of imbalances in your body...Naw, I choose to pass the basketball and use up the clock, rather than to take a 3 pointer with 5 secs left and my team is up by 1. I'd rather change my focus, continue to eat healthy, exercise, quiet my mind, surround myself with good people and embrace the experience, realizing that I had to have it inorder to be as lovely as I am today. I pray and truly believe that I will remember this when hill gets too hard to climb.

Also I want to give thanks for the women whom I've ever made a connection with in my life; be it, platonic or otherwise. Just because---

The feeling is coming back in the space where my wisdom teeth occupied--Must find pain med now dammit

Sending tight hugs, huge smiles, and sips of silver needle tea (google the benefits),

I (mbear)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Mission Accomplished

Gemini Horoscope for week of November 3, 2005

In the 1670s a British naturalist named Robert Plot discovered what we now recognize to be the first dinosaur fossil ever found by a scientist. It was the femur of a Megalosaurus, though back then no one knew what it was. Taxonomist Richard Brookes, a contemporary of Plot, made an educated guess. He believed it was the petrified scrotum of Adam, the first man. I believe a comparable scenario will soon unfold in your life, Gemini. Through ignorance or inexperience, a potentially rich discovery may initially be misidentified. It will be your job to reject premature conclusions, keep everyone's mind open, and organize a quest for the unpredictable truth.

Friday, October 28, 2005

...And so it is!

Today was the first day I returned to work in a couple of days and yet, the irony is that I'm a telecommuter, so I work from home. As I was sitting at my desk, I started dreaming with my eyes open, only to be awaken by the impact of calendar of Taoism quotes hitting the floor. Upon picking up the calendar, this monthy quote leaped into my eyeballs and licked my brain cells (drama added, cuz Halloween acomin'):
The road is made by people walking on it: things are so
because they are so.
What makes them so? Making them so makes them
What makes them not so? Making them not so makes them not
----my homey, Chuang-tzu
Ah, this is why I am so attracted to Taoism. It answers. And so it is!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Dear ________________,

(I can't think of a 'name' for you at this moment, so i'll use _______________ for now)

As I was working downstairs, I heard my mum wail. She was coughing up an emormous amount of blood and mucous and became unresponsive. I dialed 911 and begged the lady to send an ambulance. After being asked a string of generic questions from the operator, the ambulance finally arrived. I called my brother, sister, ex , lover, and ancestors. Tonight was the first time we had to rush her off in an emergency vehicle and it's only the beginning.

We arrived to the ER frantic. I stood in the doorway stoned faced and stared at the 30+ people waiting for assistance. The doctor came in and told us that she was bleeding internally and his prognosis was an ulcer, but he's not certain. She cried when he asked for our permission to stick a tube down her nostrils to take a panoramic picture of her organs. An unfriendly, overworked orderly transported her to ICU. We're waiting....for the official DX.

As I sat near the nurses' station, I couldn't help but to notice my surroundings. Most of people working in the ER were unfriendly, overworked, and unhealthy. A near-fight broke out and two security guards with distended beer bellies cleared out the chaos then rewarded themselves with cigarettes outside. I noticed another doctor drink at least 6 cups of coffee, laced with heavy cream and sugar, seemingly in 30 minutes. The RN complained of hot flashes and working 20 hours as my mums layed in bed, at best, highly medicated to ease the pain and at worst, overly medicated to stop her crying. I know I'm being critical but how can these people help my mum when they can not even help themselves? _________________ help us all.

Don't know why I blog? Really. Is it to be a 'witness' to my life experiences in this now moment? Am I secretly reaching out for help in my misery? Hoping to discover those with similiar life experiences? Merely documenting this leg of my journey? Looking for solutions? Answers? Cures?

I've been pondering suffering and why people suffer, especially good people. My mum is the most beautiful person in the world. Really she is! If she must continue to have sleepless nights, chronic back, leg, chest, and pelvic pain, nausea, injections, shots, radiation, chemo, loss of appetite, weight loss, pills..pills...pills, and continued to be poked, prodded, injected, lacerated, punctured with the inability to walk and breath at any given moment....please ___________ or Goddess, Jah, Yemaya, spirit, creator, all that is, Allah, Jehovah, Jesus, Buddha, Chuang-tzu, or Tzu-who-the-fuck-ever, take her NOW....because good, loving, kind souls should NOT have to exist under these circumstances and conditions. Especially MY momma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay ___________, here's the deal-lee-o! it's 1:30 a.m. and as usual, I'm about to use my 24 hour card and go work-out. I'm so muscular now it looks like I'm training to box Laila Ali. Although over- exercising isn't the healthiest alternative, I can't think a better way to pass time. It beats staring at the sky in 45 degree weather, freezing my bum off. At least I get a tangible return on my time invested.

Nah-mean, no?



Sunday, October 23, 2005


So I just broked down and got a subscription to Netflix. The first few movies I queued are "In time of Butterflies, " "Motorcycle Diaries," "Adventures of two teenage girls in love," "House of D," "Flashdance..(and bought 2 pairs of leg warmers cuz 'I love the 80's, big hair, and off the shoulders shirts which I wore on Saturday night and was repeatedly told by Thomas aka 'VoR' aka "India,-start-thinking-with-your-upper-chakras" aka T-ittyDiddy that I looked like an over-priced hooker on shrooms carrying a sage stick and wet wipes)," "High Art," "Like Water for Chocolate," "Royal Tennebaums," and "Bound." Bring on the...... (wish i could say popcorn but it clogs my anatomical sewer system, but I gots plenty of chips, hummus, and other knitknats for my belly. (***Jumps up and down, twirls around, snaps fingers, and yells)

A-ha...Calm + why I love NETFLIX

Dominant Personality: Calm
Good Traits: You prefer to be exclusive,
limiting yourself to only a few good friends
that you've probably known for a long time. You
don't date around either; you settle down with
one guy, and you never get used to heartbreak.
Bad Traits: You're someone who doesn't want
to be bothered with everyone else's problems.
You'd rather kick back and enjoy life at a slow
pace. You tend to fall behind and procrastinate
from being too laid back.
People see you as: Shy, slow to catch on,
and a daydreamer. People think you're in your
own little world and are tenative to approach
You're Most Like: Fear. You distance
yourself from the people who aren't in your
circle. The difference is that you aren't
paranoid about this.
You Need More: Understanding. There are
other people out there worth knowing. It's okay
to broaden your variety.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Decaying Down To my Toes

So many thanks and tight hugs to those who are giving me hugs on my blog. I SO NEED THEM RIGHT NOW. There's so much heaviness in my life and although I've been online, I've been lurking alot--made a few posts on a messageboard. Please forgive me for not thoroughly answering e-mails or returning calls. My mother is dying from stage 4 metastatic breast cancer (google it) and ain't shit I nor the overpaid apothecary (n. see: doctors= syn2-dope dealers, syn2: fuckin dickheads) can do about it. As my mom's primary caregiver, I've seen more than I can digest. I disconnected my cell phone because I don't have much to say and find comfort in the silence. My emotions lack direction-I laugh when I wanna cry, cry when I should be laughing...And even when I (can't think of a creative, PC word right now) had an intimate moment with myself today, my emotions ran the gamut from hysterical laughter to uncontrollable crying in one breath. The female character's train ride home after sexing the artist dude in "Unfaithful" is a prime example of how emotions can manifest all over the place when intimacy and pain are involved, void of logic and direction. I've been reading and writing alot because so much has changed in my life. To avoid falling down more flights of stairs, I'm drowning myself in my music and am exercising the pain away. Silly story: A guy at the gym complimented my workout and asked what I was training for. I told him "Life, man. Just life." Then walked away. I recognize somewhere love continues to occupy the space i'm in and I give thanks.

Please understand my absence. It's keeping me sane.
Love from here,
India~ PS--Dedicated a journal to the beloved Nina Simone.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Which Bjork Song Are You?

All is Full of Love
You're "All is Full of Love"! You
appreciate the true beauty of love, and seek it
all around you. You should appreciate your

Which Bjork Song Are You (complete)?

Not suprised one bit. Have a beautiful week! LOL!

Another one:

Discover your Zodiac Personality
Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

i think "worries" is misspelled.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Where's your soft spot?

Happi Friday!

Aulelei Love (copy and paste coz i'on kno how to do links n stuff): makes me fall deeply in love with words, sounds, and visuals over and over again. I will be updating my sad, sad blog soonish and hopefully all the lovelies in cyberlalaland (wheeeee!!) will visit again. With all that's going on, there was this brewing urgency for me to update, prolly because I am neurotic about revamping stuff and I thought her warm gumbo of words created a simplistic, yet palatable visual every woman and every woman/man who loves a woman should know. Have a good weekend!

-------------------by Aulelei Love
i got heavy hands & a wide back & a jagged jaw & a superman chin. there's nothing dainty about my forehead, nothing fragile about my bones, my mouth can't form a whisper correctly, & i don't whimper, i wail. i curse. i kick, scream, & fuck. i nigga this. me & my scarred knees, latch key kid upbringing, i don't even eat pretty. i fight sleep, war with sheets, open mouth roar complaining about something. i sit open legged, sweat beneath my breasts & i'm always wearing a stain somewhere on me. there's no delicate dip in my waist introducing a smooth slide down round hips. no peak-a-boo space between my knock knees. no manicured landing strip silently directing lovers to my venus mound. i dirty talk loud. my body was not made to be quiet. i got crashing footsteps & clumsy lips.

but when i look at my neck, i am reminded that every woman has her soft spot. her unguarded entrance. vunerable & exposed & frail. that curve, that angle, that bend, that crook, that arc of mine. silently waiting to be noticed. to be appreciated & fawned over. there lies my elegance. my hushedtones. my tenderness. my birthright. my purity. my hope.

Simple yet palatable like homemade biscuits and warm socks from the dryer on a January's night with your lover and a Blockbuster movie. What's yours?
Although I disagree with the author on one area and most men, particularly heterosexual men, would probably disagree with me, men have "soft spots" too. But this theory, minus any empirical proof, is coming from from a self-identified mango goddess spreading fairy dust in the mean streets of the A.T.L., who believes the rigid gender binary is an illusion, purposely embedded in our psyches to keep us trapped and confused, !!to keep patriachy!! in place, and to spread unconcious and concious sexist biases like mestastic cancer. So what the hayell do I know:P!? So give it up son (non-gender specific :))! Where's your soft spot? My soft spot is my collarbone-neck region.

Photo 1: creeped frommy dear friend Kris' site:

Sunday, August 28, 2005


Documentating one of my favorite joints by Langston Hughes about (re)birth:(re)newing : (re)creating : cleansing : (re)discovering : transformation: a conscious exfoliation for me.

In Time of Silver Rain

In time of silver rain
The earth
Puts forth new life again,
Green grasses grow
And flowers lift their heads,
And over all the plain
The wonder spreads
Of life, Of life, Of life!
In time of silver rain
The butterflies
Lift silken wings
To catch a rainbow cry,
And trees put forth
New leaves to sing
In joy beneath the sky
As down the roadway
Passing boys and girls
Go singing, too,
In time of silver rain
When spring
And life
Are new.
And because Tracy Chapman is so, so.............
............yeah that!! and becausebecause this pic reminds me of Charm!

Monday, August 22, 2005

With Our Own Two Hands

today charm and i had a minor setback on desolate stretch of highway near asheville. her tire decided to blow out and guess who changed it? me, me, me!!!!!!! hehe. yeah, me, me, me:P. i removed the doubt, went to work (plumber's crack and all), and we were able to get to our next destination quite safely because I CHANGED the TIRE, with her assistance, of course*!!! ------ ;o). we didn't call Triple AAA or wait for help to arrive. after a few minutes of aimless back and forth talk, we just plopped down on our knees, did the darn thing, and was rewarded with brake dust on our face, hands, knees, and clothing. i only regret that we didn't take pictures as evidence...lolol

being out in nature, surrounded in music, makes me very introspective and as usual, i'm disconnecting from the internet for a while and redirecting that energy into other places. but i'm all hallelujah thankful for having the ability to merely share, exchange information ,and giggles with very colorful people in cyberland. i've lurked in so many wonderful blogs and truly recognize that we are all more alike than different. /end cliche' :D

love to love and be love.

Friends May Be Enemies, Enemies May Be Friends

WOW, just received this in an e-mail and the author is unk. AN INTERESTING READ, trust me ;o)--------------------------------
Friends May Be Enemies, Enemies May Be Friends

There is a strange perspective to consider when one is engaged in the path of karma yoga, the yoga of human relationship and selfless action. Our friends, the people who we normally engage and interact with on a day to day basis, are not really friends. The people we tend to spend our time with will support our unconscious habit patterns, support the likes and dislikes of our unconscious, patterned self. Also these people may be discouragements in recognizing and moving past one’s own unconscious patterning once one is ready to do so.

In essence, our friends may become traps, either deliberately or unconsciously encouraging us to remain as we are. Friends can be the deadliest of enemies to personal growth of Consciousness.

This is for one simple reason. When a person begins to shift internally, everybody around them becomes challenged by the internal changes of the one who is shifting. This is an indirect challenge to the friends, to their viewpoints and their very way of living and being. They may feel as if they need to change, or become threatened and do not appreciate the changes you manifest within yourself, no matter how beneficial these changes might be for you.Instead, if you are on the path of internal change, consider instead the challenges and opportunities to your false ego self presented through interactions with people who are not your friends. If your friends are recognized as being not friends, walk away from them, for the development of Soul and dissolving of false perceptions is of most importance.

People who challenge your own patterned perceptions and beliefs, while difficult to be around, are helpful tools for recognizing and overcoming unwanted personal baggage.

Through our enemies, the people we dislike become the screens for our personal projections which stem from the abuses, insults and emotional or physical trauma inflicted upon us in the past. These hurtful events are hidden and buried into our unconscious being, becoming patterns which are unknowingly acted out again and again for the simple reason of our needing to resolve the old hurts, to come to terms with the pains we carry inside. In psychology, this is termed as projection, we see a similarity in a person which reminds of one who caused harm in the past, and all past projections and beliefs are unjustly placed upon that person.

People we term as enemies, dislike, hate and find to be unbearable to be around are great assets available to one who truly recognizes the need to identify and dissolve internal patterned behavior.

Through the identification and resolution of these old patterns which stem from unconscious protection of pain and the fear to face that pain directly, we are able to free up our own energies. We become free from the influences we allow those we dislike to have upon us. In addition, we remove the traumatic pain caused in our past which has been unconscious baggage, a source of stress and progressive ill-health and mental disorders. Through resolution of our past pains we become free, never again to react to people who may play the role of a person who we identify as similar to the one’s who have hurt us from before.

Our enemies become friends for our conscious development, they become ‘Friends of Consciousness’ even if unwittingly.

While we may never wish to engage our time with the people we call ‘enemies’, recognizing and appreciating their worth as ‘petty tyrants’ is important.
Every action, word, event, person and object which manifests is a tool which reflects our inner Self. Coming to a place of acceptance and love of these illusory reflections is one of many paths to inner understanding, eventually leading to complete freedom. Reaching resolution of the fears and pains which we project onto the person who are representative of those who caused trauma in the past is a process of unleashing our Soul.Consider carefully your friends for they may not be friends of your conscious potential, and appreciate and keep closest to you those labeled as enemies, because they can be the kindling used to destroy your false self-concepts. It may be surprising the reality of how the participation of both types of people unfold in your life, and the fruits which may be reaped by a careful, conscious tending and pruning of your own reactions and observations of their perceived influence on you.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, & Delicious

two daps, no, three daps, and peace signs to all the bored yet loving souls reading this useless amalgamation of letters, syllables, mis-spellings, and bad grammar but

this is some ridiculously hot shit! (the author is requesting for readers*, imagined and actual, to note the itallics, psuedo-red and bold coloring, enhanced font size, and closing apostrophe emphasizing how 'hot' this shit really is).


the carbon-based cluster of molecules who is addicted to EBAY and dreams, on that REM tip, about purchasing sum unnecessary shit coz she likes to receive weekly packages from the very nice mail lady, super cool UPS dude, and even the string of creepy Fedex deliverers containing colorful trinkets, cast iron teapots, books, dvds, cds and other undisclosed, discreetly wrapped 'items' that assist her in feeling superduperly important 'n' thangs and prompts her to invite her peoples (who really ain't her peoples) over, only to show off her new bargain that she copped off the internet, which gives her complete permission to write in 3rd person in her blog (cause kewl part-time wanna-be b-girls and full-time fairies refer to themselves in 3rd person, like so) and results in her feeling like hot grits drizzled in butter with just a dash, and only a dash, of salt for taste. delicious!!

*consists mainly of the imagined.

Sunday, August 14, 2005


Ahhhhhh......OOOOOOHHHHH........Hell yeah !!!!!!!
excuse me while i have a moment (or multiple moments)

sometimes i hear or see words and although i understand the message being conveyed, i just dont FEEL IT in my core.

i've seen/read this quote by nelson mandela and marianne williamson on countless occasions and didn't react to it. TODAY was opposite. The neurons in my brain fired up, sent a chemical message across my synapse that said "chile, this shit is fiyah," which stimulated an active 'moment' in each of my cells, multiple moments collectively in my body, and responses that I can not share. I love it.

" 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-- From A RETURN TO LOVE

Friday, August 12, 2005

CIAO! Off i Go....

Ciao Atlanta AKA "ey-shawty-whatcho-namis,"

I am so (very) uber-crunkdelicious about my upcoming vacation, which couldn’t come at a more opportune time. I ain’t trying to think about NOTHING, not even fuss over what to wear, so I literally packed one dress, a pair of legging, one pair of UGA shorts-go dawgs!!!, a halter, a tank top, a swimsuit, flip-flops, some undies, some fabric, sneakers and toiletries in an overnight bag/rice sack (according to my sister). My lil vibrant self is so deserving of this getaway and I’m getting full in my belly just thinking about it. MmmmMMm. I packed a few days early but I am ret-to-go NOW.

Today, my sister, Surat and I started processing my mother’s will and we’re finishing it up tomorrow. She’s terminally ill and we were advised months ago to get that cement ball in motion. Asking her the questions in the living will made everyone in the room emotional but we all held it together. Awkward silence filled the space where the words failed to occupy. I almost lost it when my mums told us that we could sale the house, split the money evenly with my brother and move to England, like it was our compensation for taking care of her. Her ever-changing infirm body, coupled with her perceived dependency, oftentimes, makes her feel guilty and burdensome. As crazy as it sounds, she seriously believes that SHE is the reason I don’t have a man, sum chillum, and a family at 29 and the cause of Surat's sudden weight gain at 45. She is something else, that lady! My response to her was to just breathe-just breathe mum. She laughed at me and God/dess knows I love when she does that.

I've finished 3/4ths of this HOT, HOT novel by Fiona Zedde. the issues that the protagonist face are relatable. Palatable, colorful visuals created with words. Well Written. Erotic and Sexy. Jamician culture and food references throughout. Definitely a page-turner. highly recommend because it's like TOTARRY hot! i don't want the book to end.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Scrambled Eggs: mmmm, mmmm good

life has an incredibly magickal way of illuminating my lessons, blessings, mistakes, triumphs, and fears in unexpected moments. Slowly but surely I am filtering through the garbage I’ve been conditioned to believe - -how much money I should make, why I am suppose to have kids, how I should behave, when and whom I should marry or fuck, what a woman should look like, what size bra I should wear, what type of car i should drive, what type of music I should listen to, what kind of job should have, what type of food I should eat, what god I should pray to, and what, how, when…….!!!! I discard the beliefs, ideologies, and thoughts that have been embedded into my mind, spreading like a virus in a diseased body. I stretched my arms this morning and fully surrendered to life, to love, to truth, to wisdom and today feels mmmm, mmmmm good.

i have learned that it isn’t always about me. that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that’s just the way it is. It is important for me to meet every person where ever they are, without judgement. And realizing that I ain’t perfect is death to my ego. Killing my ego feels mmmm, mmmmm good.

since life is a self-fulfilling prophecy-my thoughts will eventually externalize; therefore, I get what I believe I deserve. I am learning to own my powers and intentionally create my day, everyday. Methinks that heaven and hell are both states of consciousness. I'm touching myself in heaven right now. Realizing that heaven is on earth feels mmmmm, mmmm good.

I will stop apologizing for being healthy-aka ‘nuts and berries’ [@lauren :D]to those who talk shit, jokingly or otherwise, about my lifestyle. I love good, nourishing food, purified water, juicing, jogging, pilates, climbing stairs, sex, hiking, camping, sun salutations, meditating, laughing, smudge sticks, chanting, yeah, soaked nuts and berries and so much more. Publicly admitting that I am a lifetime member of N&B Association of America feels mmmm, mmmmm good.

Reassessing who I am is important to me. Redefining who I am and what I stand for is essential. I am learning the difference between needing and wanting. I am shredding doctrines and old beliefs as trust my intuition more. I am creating boundaries, discarding old 'issues in my tissues,' cleaning out my phonebook, smudging the toxicity out of my life, just letting go, letting go, letting go.... I am starting to feel weightlesss....And that feels *i-like-the-way-you-move* mmmm, mmmm, good.

Painting: "Full Smile" by Pierre Bennu

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Headscript from 9am-5pm while working

i love to play and be sillylicious and make no apologies for it!!!!!

i work to pay my bills but i create art to enjoy my life. i continue to hold the vision of myself creating for a living while having the ability to pay my bills

i am thankful for being the woman that i am, for having the experiences that i've had, and being just as fabulous as i want to be......

i can't wait to go to cali to see my c. she's at UCLA for the summer and unfortunatey her roommate is the antichrist and a homophobe. she's has given c a hard time and the administrators are not taking her actions seriously enough to get c a new roommate. long story and i am much too exhausted to type it all out. lets just say ONE of the worst thing she's done to my c was 'outed' her to her mother. that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Arrggh!!!!!!

UPDATE!!UPDATE: the lbgt dept hooked my girl up with a brand new room and she doesn't have a roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told you Jesus saves the queer. HA!
i have to be continuously mindful that every thought that i think is transferred into a chemical in my body and then released into my bloodstream.

i truly believe when Dr. Pookroom stated that "the condition of your body represents your state of consciousness." i will never apologize to anyone for wanting be healthy and vibrant enough to have a high quality of life.

i believe that heaven is on earth.

i believe that energy follows thought. if i put my intention in the right place, it will eventually externalize.

i love!!my family, my girlfriend and her family, and my friends.

i create my own definitions only because the shit keeps me sane.

i have to learn to be more patient with my mom. i recognize that i was put here for a reason and feel the blessing in the experience. And be thankful.

i love the mystery behind hidden tattoos.

i love being black and woman.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Warning All Atheists: #1 reason to visit NY

MayaGoddess (Singer/Musician/Extraordinaire)

Thursday, July 28, 2005

First Entry, of sorts. --Sunshine

"i won't do names, but.. i spoke to you at like 630am this morning..She says.. you write about lessons, and well.. I thought mine was too personal, and i have people on my page i don't really know.. so i'm thinking, when will she know them?... if she is afraid to reveal herself? and you never know, maybe they will show her some skin too. call me if they do gurl!!!free.. we want to be that, but, we can't because we are afraid of other people's judgments. maybe instead of seeing our humanity, they will see inadequacy. and thats true. at times people will see our best as our worst, and our dreams as nightmares.. but that is the beauty of life ma'dear.. that is how you find yourself, and find yourself in others or they find themselves in you.. AAAhhh.. the comfort of relativity. and for those who are not down with all the quirks, its cool, no one can embrace all the quirks... but some has to protest, or try to change you, or tear you down... just say.. "if you not wit it, you can hit it." then lean in a little like elvis, and point, spine erect... lip curled. (wind up full body, just like "the king", then shake your shimmy as you point to the door)..kick rocks. and whistle, while you do"

a friend of mine wrote this for me and i really needed to read it. she clearly summed up how i've lived my life as a lone quasi bohemian for the past 7 years. i've been rejected, lied on, ridiculed, belittled, misjudged and the like many times over and i'm sure that i've done the same to others. haven't we all? "...yeah, yeah get over it" is much easier said than done. i have a lot to say but i don't always trust my audience. the trippy part is that i'm the same sistah who effortlessly engages dialogue with strangers in grocery store checkouts, on street corners, etc. balancing my private yet inherently expressive nature is challenging. i wanna display everything that i am, which will also highlight all that i'm not. my fears are heightened whenever i allow myself to get close to a new person (platonically or otherwise). i take two steps forward, then three back. this tango dance appears to keep me safe, along with reclusive in the process. through all the years of drama and ego-trippin, i recognize that i'm that sun that can't be hidden for too long. slowly i'm breaking through the clouds that i created in my mind, exposing my vulnerability, and bringing sunshine with every beat of my heart.

this blog is more for me than anything else i've ever written online. the only intention i have is to remain honest. i consciously chose my profile picture as a representation of my duality, whether real or perceived. the title "eat-mangoes-nekkid" was creeped from Sark's book "Eat Mangoes Naked." it merely reflects my appetite to live and love freely, without regret. and plus, the visual created by title does make me feel just a tad bit sexy ;o). mmmmkay?

Reading:When God was a Woman by Merlin Stone
Listening:New Beginnings by Tracy Chapman

Friday, July 22, 2005