Friday, October 28, 2005

...And so it is!

Today was the first day I returned to work in a couple of days and yet, the irony is that I'm a telecommuter, so I work from home. As I was sitting at my desk, I started dreaming with my eyes open, only to be awaken by the impact of calendar of Taoism quotes hitting the floor. Upon picking up the calendar, this monthy quote leaped into my eyeballs and licked my brain cells (drama added, cuz Halloween acomin'):
The road is made by people walking on it: things are so
because they are so.
What makes them so? Making them so makes them
What makes them not so? Making them not so makes them not
----my homey, Chuang-tzu
Ah, this is why I am so attracted to Taoism. It answers. And so it is!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Dear ________________,

(I can't think of a 'name' for you at this moment, so i'll use _______________ for now)

As I was working downstairs, I heard my mum wail. She was coughing up an emormous amount of blood and mucous and became unresponsive. I dialed 911 and begged the lady to send an ambulance. After being asked a string of generic questions from the operator, the ambulance finally arrived. I called my brother, sister, ex , lover, and ancestors. Tonight was the first time we had to rush her off in an emergency vehicle and it's only the beginning.

We arrived to the ER frantic. I stood in the doorway stoned faced and stared at the 30+ people waiting for assistance. The doctor came in and told us that she was bleeding internally and his prognosis was an ulcer, but he's not certain. She cried when he asked for our permission to stick a tube down her nostrils to take a panoramic picture of her organs. An unfriendly, overworked orderly transported her to ICU. We're waiting....for the official DX.

As I sat near the nurses' station, I couldn't help but to notice my surroundings. Most of people working in the ER were unfriendly, overworked, and unhealthy. A near-fight broke out and two security guards with distended beer bellies cleared out the chaos then rewarded themselves with cigarettes outside. I noticed another doctor drink at least 6 cups of coffee, laced with heavy cream and sugar, seemingly in 30 minutes. The RN complained of hot flashes and working 20 hours as my mums layed in bed, at best, highly medicated to ease the pain and at worst, overly medicated to stop her crying. I know I'm being critical but how can these people help my mum when they can not even help themselves? _________________ help us all.

Don't know why I blog? Really. Is it to be a 'witness' to my life experiences in this now moment? Am I secretly reaching out for help in my misery? Hoping to discover those with similiar life experiences? Merely documenting this leg of my journey? Looking for solutions? Answers? Cures?

I've been pondering suffering and why people suffer, especially good people. My mum is the most beautiful person in the world. Really she is! If she must continue to have sleepless nights, chronic back, leg, chest, and pelvic pain, nausea, injections, shots, radiation, chemo, loss of appetite, weight loss, pills..pills...pills, and continued to be poked, prodded, injected, lacerated, punctured with the inability to walk and breath at any given moment....please ___________ or Goddess, Jah, Yemaya, spirit, creator, all that is, Allah, Jehovah, Jesus, Buddha, Chuang-tzu, or Tzu-who-the-fuck-ever, take her NOW....because good, loving, kind souls should NOT have to exist under these circumstances and conditions. Especially MY momma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay ___________, here's the deal-lee-o! it's 1:30 a.m. and as usual, I'm about to use my 24 hour card and go work-out. I'm so muscular now it looks like I'm training to box Laila Ali. Although over- exercising isn't the healthiest alternative, I can't think a better way to pass time. It beats staring at the sky in 45 degree weather, freezing my bum off. At least I get a tangible return on my time invested.

Nah-mean, no?



Sunday, October 23, 2005


So I just broked down and got a subscription to Netflix. The first few movies I queued are "In time of Butterflies, " "Motorcycle Diaries," "Adventures of two teenage girls in love," "House of D," "Flashdance..(and bought 2 pairs of leg warmers cuz 'I love the 80's, big hair, and off the shoulders shirts which I wore on Saturday night and was repeatedly told by Thomas aka 'VoR' aka "India,-start-thinking-with-your-upper-chakras" aka T-ittyDiddy that I looked like an over-priced hooker on shrooms carrying a sage stick and wet wipes)," "High Art," "Like Water for Chocolate," "Royal Tennebaums," and "Bound." Bring on the...... (wish i could say popcorn but it clogs my anatomical sewer system, but I gots plenty of chips, hummus, and other knitknats for my belly. (***Jumps up and down, twirls around, snaps fingers, and yells)

A-ha...Calm + why I love NETFLIX

Dominant Personality: Calm
Good Traits: You prefer to be exclusive,
limiting yourself to only a few good friends
that you've probably known for a long time. You
don't date around either; you settle down with
one guy, and you never get used to heartbreak.
Bad Traits: You're someone who doesn't want
to be bothered with everyone else's problems.
You'd rather kick back and enjoy life at a slow
pace. You tend to fall behind and procrastinate
from being too laid back.
People see you as: Shy, slow to catch on,
and a daydreamer. People think you're in your
own little world and are tenative to approach
You're Most Like: Fear. You distance
yourself from the people who aren't in your
circle. The difference is that you aren't
paranoid about this.
You Need More: Understanding. There are
other people out there worth knowing. It's okay
to broaden your variety.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Decaying Down To my Toes

So many thanks and tight hugs to those who are giving me hugs on my blog. I SO NEED THEM RIGHT NOW. There's so much heaviness in my life and although I've been online, I've been lurking alot--made a few posts on a messageboard. Please forgive me for not thoroughly answering e-mails or returning calls. My mother is dying from stage 4 metastatic breast cancer (google it) and ain't shit I nor the overpaid apothecary (n. see: doctors= syn2-dope dealers, syn2: fuckin dickheads) can do about it. As my mom's primary caregiver, I've seen more than I can digest. I disconnected my cell phone because I don't have much to say and find comfort in the silence. My emotions lack direction-I laugh when I wanna cry, cry when I should be laughing...And even when I (can't think of a creative, PC word right now) had an intimate moment with myself today, my emotions ran the gamut from hysterical laughter to uncontrollable crying in one breath. The female character's train ride home after sexing the artist dude in "Unfaithful" is a prime example of how emotions can manifest all over the place when intimacy and pain are involved, void of logic and direction. I've been reading and writing alot because so much has changed in my life. To avoid falling down more flights of stairs, I'm drowning myself in my music and am exercising the pain away. Silly story: A guy at the gym complimented my workout and asked what I was training for. I told him "Life, man. Just life." Then walked away. I recognize somewhere love continues to occupy the space i'm in and I give thanks.

Please understand my absence. It's keeping me sane.
Love from here,
India~ PS--Dedicated a journal to the beloved Nina Simone.