Monday, January 16, 2006

Internet Hiatus (Pics of Hostel)

thanks L for the link to the pictures :)

I'll be on hiatus for some weeks, maybe months. Life has thrown me a huge curveball and I'm in dire need to get away, do absolutely nothing, and be silent during this time. I spent a few days at The Hostel and a couple days in a monastary, accompanied by my loving dear sister friend, one of my bestest best, and exlove. Even with having this wonderful shared experience, I still have the urgency to sail away from all that's secular and familiar, be still, and quiet --all by myself. And ya know, it's really ok. Sometimes people (with good intentions) don't understand how healing "quiet time" can be and that the desire to be alone isn't indicative of depression. (Not to minimalize depression, because depression among black women is real....and for all my sisters that may be depressed, there are natural ways to counter it, minus pharmaceuticals)!!!! My concerned relatives ring my phone off the hook. I just need everyone (including myself) to just be quiet. Silence doesn't scare me but it is so hard to get and I can't for the life of me decipher why. I yearn for silence--the unspoken. I'll date body language before I get caught up with words and sounds (anyday-all day long). Anyhoo, I asked the people at The Hostel if I could stay longer, explained my situation, and they were more than happy to offer me a place to stay for as long as needed.

I'm not in a negative space. Sad (and often experiencing emotions running the gamut of downright infuriation, detachment, and the 'blues'), which is also ok. My theory is that my healthy lifestyle (thanks mum for planting the seed), my circle of adopted kin, the constant prayer, quiet/thought stopping/mediation, a healthy collection of Bach Flower Essences, Omegas 3 (countering depression), homeopathic remedies, among other things has helped keep me (somewhat) afloat and appear physically balanced. Just because my space isn't negative or I don't appear sad, doesn't mean I am not one shallow breath away from falling apart (which is also perfectly fine and healthy). It is necessary for me to get back in an open, natural setting with good energy and harmony to grieve, cry my eyes out, yell, do nothing, laugh, and engage in everything necessary. No worries here though, I am confident that I'll be safe.
Until next time,
love. love. love.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Loved and Seemingly Lost

Favorite Poem by !Nikki Giovanni! (Favorite Poet)
in life one is always balancing
like we juggle our mothers against our fathers
or one teacher against another (only to balance our grade average)
3 grains of salt to one ounce truth
our sweet black essence or the funky honkie down the street
and lately i’ve been wondering if you’re trying to tell me something
we used to talk all night and do things alone together
and i’ve begun (as a reaction to a feeling) to balance the pleasure of loneliness against the pain of loving you

Sunday, January 01, 2006

today we were told that my mums is basically drowning in her own fluids.

two days ago she was home and i was doing a really good job taking care of her and working from home. she wouldn't really eat, only drink and sleep. hospice at home wasn't so bad. at least she was here, a few feet away from me. i always knew that no one could take care of her better than me. Gloria, the sitter, was always on time for her shift. I love her for that.

until i walked in her room and she would not respond. still breathing, but unresponsive.

paramedics came.

so "they" told us that she is drowning. my mums man. naw.

i'm about to go see her. but i'm so afraid.

doctors said she probably won't be coming back home. no more hospice at home.

she's in CCU because her heart is beating really slow.

the house is quiet and feels so big. hospice will be coming to pick up her bed, wheelchair, etc.

so now we wait.