Wednesday, February 27, 2008

le'confessiones of a lesbionic nature

like your deep voice; I told you this all the time and in fact, I was thinking of you on my walk home today from the tea spot. I should have just called you, but the thought of you was such a private intimate moment, that I didn't even want to spoil the splendor of your memory since we no longer talked. I wonder if that makes sense. Cause sometimes, my mind wanders, I can't solidify a thought or a moment in my mind that is heavy enough to hold onto.

But for some reason, you came up more than once as a "tangible thought". And so, I don't want to give those tangible thoughts up, cause they don't happen for me all of the time.

And it is so real. The way that you move inside me, the pressure of my deep insecurity hiding inside of you (still), and the strength of your intense grasp...the sound of your voice...... I can't get over your existence, cause it really is interesting that someone like you existed in my world for...7 months, after surviving an abusive woman... I don't know who you are though....not every single day.... And somehow, getting to know you, was a scary and revealing process. It is revealing not of you though, but of me. Because, I'm not sure what I've built you out to be, but I do understand my fear of you revealing your true self and me being either completely disappointed or completely mesmerized. I don't want to be either, but it's pretty clear to me that there are only two directions for me to go.

I guess my point is that I cannot be unaffected by you as I am by most. And I hadn't planned on meeting anyone new or reconnecting with old connects, anyone who could alter who I am, since, on some level, I need to be exactly who I am right now. But, you have already affected me.

I often believe that there is a reason why we exist in other people's lives, and not as independent entities. We came out of a person because we are only human when connected with (in my case) a woman. So, I surround myself with women always. And every person that I have around me affects me in an evolutionary(and revolutionary) way, even if, sometimes, they aren't a complete positive contribution to my life, I feel their presence and it allows me to grow.

But with you, well, I'm not sure where you fit. I'm not clear on what your role is, or why it is that you have (as I see it) walked into my life (again). If I may quote the "secret" for a moment, I must confess that I have used the law of attraction all of my life, and in that effect, I have always gotten what I wanted. I have always received for what was asked.

With you, my main question is what are you the answer to? What have I asked for that you will provide? I'm curious, oh so curious to figure this out, because, I give thanks for the opportunity to receive you.

If you know, if you have an idea, or perhaps, if you are the one who has requested me, then tell me. I would love to hear it. I would love to know the question. And as I request it, I am sure you will tell it to me. Even if you are unaware, somehow, I think that the question is hidden in your voice. Because I know your voice...that afro-german accented voice. Through your sound, the mere thought of you, I at least understand that, yes, you are the answer least for right now; in this second...that's what i do know for now.

LL/India 2007 (revised 2008)