Thursday, July 31, 2008

Spiritual Beings, Human Experience

July has been a pretty rough month for me. So much has transpired and although I pat myself on the back for hanging in there like a resilient champ, I still have to admit that I don't quite feel like myself. Sometimes it feels like I'm Casper, trapped between two worlds. Since I moved into this cute 1920s bungelow in Brownwood, I've been having these weird sensations, like someone or something is trying to communicate with me. I don't get scared, I stay open but I do have a concern that I'm not tuned in enough to understand the message or that I'm pretending to be so busy going, going, going, I miss it.

So today I had a quiet day. I stayed around my home, cleaned up really good and decided to fast with lemon juice (fresh-squeeze), grapefruit juice, wheatgrass, spirilina, and kombucha. I also performed an enema using distilled water and probiotics and inserted wheatgrass, which is when the healing comes in for me. I put on some classical and allowed my thoughts to come through like August and leave like July.

To say that I feel soOOOo good would do my emotions an injustice.

But I do.

I think it was Oprah who said that life without a spiritual component is meaningless.

She's right!

That disconnection I was feeling has everything to do with my neglecting my spirit.

We are all eternal spiritual beings in human bodies. We manifest human bodies to experience manifestation, this world, this planet that we live on. Not the other way around. Our human bodies are sorta an interface entity between the spiritual being that lives outside of time and space and the world as we see it day to day.

I believe we create human bodies to experience time and space, to experience linear time. I believe we choose our parents and experiences. If you think about it, no two persons have the exact same experiences. I think we choose our pain, as well as love. I believe we show up late to jobs we shouldn't be working in the first place. Walking around in a human body is an amazing thing, and witness our actions day to day is the lesson.

Having the senses of smell, touch, taste, visual sight and perceiving sound is a beautiful experience. Having the opportunity to love ourselves and share love every time our heart beats is ....the experience.

Photo 1: Self portrait, 2008
Photo 2: Self portrait, during late night backyard ritual, Holding partially nude pic of an unknown relative found in mums closet, 2008

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Anyone who knows me would NOT believe that I recorded and uploaded a video all by myself. I don't even own a cell phone so HA! BUT i did it. I am going to do great things with this channel. I will do 2 minute weekly blurbs about dieting, exercising, colonics and enemas, detoxification, breast and vagina health, stress reduction and more. I am qualified by being involved in the holistic sector for over 12 years. I am a certified colon hydrotherapist, a raw foods preparer, a holistic life style change consultant, a nude life model, and a full-time assistant manager at a health food store. Anyway, I still have a lot to learn and yet so much to share. So stay tuned :). This video is very blah, blah but I was just testing my cam :-) PS. I am laughing so hard right now because I never thought to turn to camera around :P.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Terrence Trent D'arby and Kilimanjaro

I saw Sananda Maitreya, formally known as Terrence Trent D'arby tonight. IT was sensationsal!!! I am overjoyed.

Here I am! Leaving to see the show.

Friday, July 18, 2008


I just love being nude and I'm not particularly bothered about who sees me nude. One of the things that I always fancied doing was nude self-portraits and onward to nude modeling. It is difficult to say why I love doing it, but I think that it was a combination of three factors. They were my love of being nude, my exhibitionist tendencies, but probably the most intriguing factor was the thought that I would be pushing my nude experiences in to a new area, namely, being nude when surrounded by total strangers who were not nudists. HA!

Well, today was my third gig in an academic university in 6 weeks. As I disrobed, the usual nervous shakes invaded my body. Suddenly I remembered every insecurity I'd ever had. A few minutes after I stepped onto the platform underneath the spotlights, my shakes subsided and I felt relaxed, better. I stood on the wooden platform and my mind started acting up by visualizing an auction block, causing me to fold into myself for comfort. Here I was 5'7", 140, dark, athletic, soft, nappy, and freed up!!! There were 16 students in the class, 12 male and 4 female, including one black woman with locs, who I called I mum in my head. The whole class was concentrated on me with great intensity, making the sweetest comments ever. From my dark skin-tone to wholly hair, I began to feel proud again! It was quite amusing trying to work out which bit they were painting at any particular time. When I noticed the old German staring at my pussy with a ruler angled in my direction, I lost my focus a bit, hoping he wasn't measuring my clitoris?! The sounds of Beethoven playing in the background helped bring my attention back to the platform.

I found my focal point on a overhead light switch and selected my pose. "Can you part you legs a little more?" said one of the females. I did but barely; I didn't think I was having a pap smear today. I stared again but I could still see out of my peripheral. The artists were getting their brushes and pencils ready. Time to work.

This time, the students used various mediums including paint, charcoal, water colour and oil. Eventually the hour passed and it was time for a tea/scone/bagel break and to inspect SOME of the half finished masterpieces (i said, some). One of the old men kindly volunteered to get me a cup of tea to save me the bother of getting dressed. Needless to say all the drawings were quite different. The main reason being that each one was drawn from a slightly different angle, and also, at this stage, they were only half complete. There were a couple in particular that I thought were stunning but there was also that one that looked like Kermit, the frog! 30 minutes rolled by, then followed an impromptu conversation on various styles of drawing. As the discussion continued, none of the class seemed the slightest bit bothered that I was naked while they stood their clothed. I was just another model.

After a 15 minute break, it was back to work! The heat from the lights, coupled with the coconut oil all over my body, was making my pussy sweat. For some reason, the second hour passed faster than the first. I felt a few knots tighten up in my back and neck towards the end of the second hour. Just when I thought I was ready to pack up and leave, one of the old guys asked if I mind being photographed. I said "Sure, why not?" realizing later that my picture could find it's way on "BigtitsandRoundAsses".*shutters at the thought*

So not only did he take out out his inexpensive digital camera, the rest of the class followed. *snap, snap, snap...flashes everywhere! I felt my blood pressure surge from the omnidirectional glares. Sensing my discomfort, the teacher asked the students to put away their cameras and class resumed.

Into my third hour, I felt something shift in me, within the artists, and the classroom. The lateral pain in my back and neck started to disconnect from my brain. What pain???? I felt a part of everything there and then a part of nothing at all. There was something invisible and magikal connecting me and the light switch. All my insecurities fell away like old, sagging skin caught on fire. I felt an overwhelming appreciation for my quiet, meditative time. My thoughts relaxed into nothingness for a few minutes. All I remember were tears welding up in my eyes causing me to relax my gaze to stop them from falling. I felt queenly, on some ancestral-type, dark Goddess vibration.

I asked for a break, went to the bathroom, and cried. I mean, CRIED!

When I entered the room again, all the students clapped. Not the AA meeting kind of clap, but deeper.

I loss something and gained something else. It only lasted a few minutes but what I acquired was real.

I dare to try to put into words what I received, I simply knew that I felt light as air.

I have an appointment next week and another big one Aug 11. Now instead of calling them appts, I call them prayer/worship. As I biked to the train station, I felt like a kid leaving church on Easter Sunday, full of innocence and wonderment.

It's kinda like when Ntozake said, "I found God in myself and I love her."

But then again, it's not.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sexuality, spirituality, creativity

One of three books that I am reading now is- What We Ache For: Creativity and the Unfolding of Your Soul.. by Oriah Mountain Dreamer - does a little bit of all of these creative things. It is designed to encourage the reader to consider the melding of three different aspects of life - sexuality, spirituality and creativity - in order to live more completely. At it's core, that's about living all of life more creatively. However, it focuses specifically on the act of writing when making a lot of its points and uses writing prompts at the end of chapter to emphasize this. And yet, these writing prompts can be easily adapted to other types of art so that it applies to the artistic life in general. When it boils down to it, though, the real reason that I love this book is because I agree with its core foundation. It is based on the idea that we can not be completely happy unless we are able to fully realize ourselves as sexual, spiritual and creative people. Those are rigid terms but they imply looser concepts. They say that we need to be able to experience our own senses in the world, to feel that we are interconnected with something bigger than ourselves and to use our perceptions to create something outside of ourselves. When these three aspects of life are amalgamated and balanced, we can be content. I believe in that idea and therefore this is an easy book to love.

I wish this was my bookshelf. Soon, soon.
Photographer: Unknown :(